Thursday, July 24, 2008

I'm so vulnerable.

I'm so helpful and vulnerable to being used by people for their own benefits. I hate being so vulnerable. I hate it that it's in my nature to help those who need help.

But what hurts me more than this vulnerability is how some people pretend to like me, pretend to be my friends and by pretending, abuse my vulnerability.

And once they got what they need by using me, pretending to be my friends, they stop the pretence of being my friend, turn against me, avoid me, ignore me and even turn others against me.

But there will be a time when they will realize their mistake. There will be a time when they will remember how they used me. And they will regret it.

When they could have been my genuine friends, they didn't. But such opportunities do not strike them so often. It's them who lost something. I have nothing to lose.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Blood Rose

 blood-rose

What is it that I'm not doing right? I don't know. Life just feels like a big blank slate on which I'm supposed to write with chalk my achievements. But such things feel worthless or meaningless when I see others enjoying life as something more than just a slate. To them, it's like a colourful animated world in four dimensions, not a flat black and white picture.

Yet why is it that some people like me are chosen to be on the dark side of luck, to be on the boring side of life, to live this short time that equals less than the blink of God's eyelids with no meaning or reason? Is there luck waiting in the future for me, to hit me with a massive amazing blow? One so huge that even I wouldn't be able to believe it? I wonder.

Well, all I can really do is nothing but wonder. And hope.

But does luck and fortune really exist? Some would deny the existence of luck and say things that can't be determined beforehand happen by chance, not luck.

Luck and chance are essentially the same thing - one a religious term, while the other is scientific. One would say Mahjongg is a game of luck, while to another, it's a game of chance.

Okay, why am I teaching you - whoever you are - English? I should be talking about how luck, or chance, is badly lacking in my life.

If I want something, I must work for it. Sometimes I want the wrong things, things I don't need, things I shouldn't want. Other times, I want the right things, but do the wrong work to get them. Where is the ultimate guidance I can ask for?

[Most of the above typed in phone while travelling today. The title and the picture has nothing to do with it.]

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Skipping a heartbeat...

Been a while since I blogged. I'm not sure what to write about.

Life has become less stressful now, with things to do, and new friends.

I've made one of my most important decisions, and it gives me a lot of relief from tension.

11th July is going to be the Director's List Ceremony, and I can't wait ^_^

Have you heard of the song Heartbeat by Scouting for Girls? Quite nice.

NoteEvery time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
I skip a heartbeat for you.Note

Click for original music video (could not be embedded above)